101 Sure Fired Ways to Annoy Severus Snape
by Miss Anthrope
Summary: With this as a guide, just about anyone will be able to torment, annoy, and torture their black robed, hook nosed, greasy haired professor without using much energy but still reap the fruits of any equally complex planned prank!


_Presenting..._

**_101 Sure-Fired Ways to Annoy that Black-Robed, Hook-Nosed, Greasy-Haired, Potions Master Without a Lovelife (aka. Severus Snape)_**

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_Proudly brought to you by...Miss Anthrope and with the help of Insomnia and Mrs. Iero!_

_(And no...not the same one who brought you the Harry Potter series and who actually has money in the bank.)_

1. Set his hair on fire just to see how flammable it really is.

2. Extract grease from his hair and use it to burn down his own office.

3. Use the extra grease you extracted and tell him that you could probably use it to power all of the deep fry grills in at least 5 branches of McDonalds.

4. Tell him about the geniuses that are muggle plastic surgeons, who by the way, could _fix_ his nose for him.

5. Ask him that since he's supposed to be a double agent of sorts, where's _his_ license to kill.

6. In relation to number 5, ask him as well that since James Bond always has a beautiful woman in every single movie, "Where're all the girls? Hiding perhaps?"

7. Charm a bottle of shampoo, a brush, and a bucket of water to run after him until they clean his hair.

8. Mismatch all of the labels in his potions and ingredients cupboard.

9. Get him a mirror with the words '_This is the reason why Narcissa, or any female for that matter, didn't pick you'_ inscribed on the front.

10. Make a movie about him titled _The 57-year-old Virgin._

11. Pay Colin Creevy to regularly sneak up on him during the worst possible times such as while he's using the loo.

12. Put another hourglass near those keeping the house points especially for him counting the times he had been turned down as the DADA professor.

13. Set him up on a blind date with Dolores Umbridge or Mrs. Norris.

14. Read to him a Severus/Sirius story or any other slash involving him.

15. Ask him if he'd ever been in an intimate relationship with any woman in the middle of class.

16. Start calling him "Sir, Ma'am Snivellus".

17. In relation to number 16, when he asks you why you called him such, say "Well, one can never be too sure now, can they?"

18. Make him take a rumba or flamingo dance class.

19. Use Harry's invisibility cloak to surround him in the dark, whispering "BOO!" once in a while until he gets so dizzy from turning that he trips over himself.

20. Shoot flames at his feet to make him dance against his will.

21. Slip some Veritassum in his drink during the school Yule Ball.

22. Instruct Fluffy to go and fetch him.

23. Let Grawp use him as a squeeze toy.

24. Rename him to Oily McNose or Dandelion.

25. Use Hermione's time turner to repeat consecutively when the Expelliarmus was used on him in the third book.

26. Enter him in the reality show, Beauty and the Geek—as a geek of course.

27. Use the Imperio curse on him and instruct him to start rapping everything he wants to say for at least a whole month…or two.

28. Make him relive his childhood every hour on the dot.

29. Tell every girl/woman he encounters to slap him whilst mentioning one reason why they would never go out with him.

30. Predict his future, saying something about how he will die old and alone, no mistakes on that.

31. Offer him the job of teaching sex education to the students then say, "Oh, nevermind, you've never been laid anyway. What could you possibly teach them?"

32. Create a theme song for him along the lines of:

_Snape, Snape, Snape_

_He's the man we all hate_

_He's old, alone_

_Ugly and a virgin_

_No girl will ever come near him_

33. Tell Dumbledore to appoint Madame Pomfrey to Potions Professor.

34. Spill out his Pensive and use the basin for him to clean his hair.

35. Use the Bubble Head Charm around him with an excuse of "Just incase I run out of fresh air, Professor."

36. Leave a deodorant on his desk right before everyone is entering with the words **HEAVY DUTY** printed over it.

37. Appoint an "Everyone-Has-To-Wear-Pink-Day" inclusive of all teachers.

38. Whack him on the back of the head with McGonnagal's walking stick.

39. Lock him in Moaning Myrtle's cubical.

40. Use pink ink and draw hearts on your _i_'s in everything you submit to him.

41. Gag him in the Room of Requirements, strap him on a chair, and make him watch _Crossroads_, _Glitter_, and some select Disney Princess movies.

42. Turn him into a greasy rat just for the fun of it.

43.Play Beethoven's 9th Symphony whenever he passes by "to heighten the suspense".

44. Open the doors even before he can get a chance to make his usual grand entrances.

45. Ask him: "What's up with your robes always billowing? Is there a fan in there?"

46. Use his own fan and stick it right in front of his face.

47. Show him a 1000 person petition of those willing to help pay for his cosmetic surgery.

49. Join the petition and as your reason, include "Not only will it benefit him, but also will improve the welfare of the students."

50. Smile at him at all times.

51. As a present, give him a year's supply of porn with a note that says: _What every horny bachelor- destined-to-remain-virgin needs._

52. Compare his nose to a bludgers during a game.

53. Throw his secret storage of potions bottles on the walls insisting you saw a huge and dangerous bug.

54. Comment how Mad-Eye Moody looks even better than him.

55. Get him stood up in Valentine's Day…in Madame Puddifoot's and pay all the confetti-throwing cherubs to follow him around Hogsmeade.

56. Cough constantly during an angry rant until he's so distracted that he's forced to stop.

57. Speak to him in wrong grammar to the best of your abilities.

58. Point out all visible and invisible nose hairs.

59. Shoot things into his mouth when he yawns, or even better, when he's speaking.

60. Point out: "You know, for someone's who's supposedly emo, you're even more pathetic."

61. Obliviate his memory when you feel like it.

62. Call him your homie or Prof S to the n-a-p-e.

63. Label him as a sexual predator from all the time he spends with students in unnecessary detentions.

64. Scratch the blackboard with your nails after stealing the chalk.

65. Sing the 'Mister Lonely' song whenever you see him.

66. Pretend to fancy him.

67. Use his name as an adjective such as: "Eew, that's so Snape!" Obviously meaning something nasty or gross.

68. Be a Gryffindor, and if possible, a quidditch player.

69. If you're really willing to go the extra mile, slip some Polyjuice Potion in everyone's drinks before meals and turn everyone into Harry Potter.

70. Abduct him after classes and leave him for the centaurs without his wand in the Forbidden Forest while leaving a note tacked on his office door that reads: BUSY-- OUT TRYING BUT FAILING TO GET LUCKY WITH CENTAURS.

71. Sing a rousing round of the Hogwarts Chant until it imbeds itself into his brain.

72. Use as much acronyms and jargons in conversations with him as a Valley Girl. (ex. "Like, ohmigod, Prof, you're just, like, so KJ you know! Like, totally a fricking BFH! God, you so can't be my BFF, like, ever!")

73. Comment that you've had worse detentions with Umbridge and that he was loosing his touch.

74. Announce loudly during a meal that you demand to have a tattoo just like he does on his left forearm.

75. Inject botox into his face, forcing him to smile for an entire day.

76. Ask: "So…who did you have to suck to keep this job?"

77. Imitate Hermione and raise your hand even if there's not question but just want to add a certain unnecessary detail or rephrase what he had just said.

78. Point out that there's sometimes a nerve pulsating on his temple whenever he's angry.

79. In relation to 78, go "Thump, thump, thump" along with the nerve.

80. Show him a picture of the time Neville had a boggart come out of the closet looking like him in his grandmother's clothes.

81. Related to 80, post it all over school and comment lightly to him that the dress does suit him well.

82. Reinstate the Marauders and give them a permanent home in Hogwarts.

83. Make out in front of him, exclaiming loudly how sad are those people who are just too ugly to get someone special into their lives.

84. Lock him in a closet with Gilderoy Lockheart (Pre-CoS)

85. Tell him: "You've got some bats in the cave that people can see a mile away with those monstrous nostrils of yours!"

86. Thank him for never smiling for that would trigger something more deadly than the basilisk's stare.

87. Get him drunk and singing along to karaoke.

88. Related to 87, video the said event and invite Simon Cowell to watch it in a wide-screen TV in the Great Hall during breakfast.

89. Give him 'The Talk' again "Just in case you remember and finally get lucky after—uh, how many years _has_ it been?"

90. Ask him if he's that anonymous president of the Liza Minelli fan club.

91. Related to 91, say: "But, Professor, I thought that your haircut was a dead giveaway!"

92. Comment in a singsong voice as he's in the middle of a pretty good reprimanding session "The more you hate, the more you looooooove!"

93. Buy him a condom—the tiniest one in the world if you can get your hands on it.

94. Release Lucius Malfoy from Azkaban to kill of any of his chances to try and _comfort_ the grieving wife.

95. Be Harry Potter…or Sirius Black—wait, come to think of it, just either be a Marauder and/or a Potter.

96. Give him a Wet Willie and then when he gets mad, apologize by saying that you thought that that's how you say 'hello' on his planet.

97. Handcuff him to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears.

98. Put him beside Gerard Way (He's gone back to black, in case you didn't know) and say: "Wow, I thought it was just the clothes and the hair that made you look bad…but Gerard's almost got the same thing going on and it looks WOW on him."

99. Thwack him on the back of his head and claim that you were just trying to kill a pesky fly.

100. Charm a large and pink plastic bubble, like those for hamsters, around him that will only disappear should he say the correct phrase (The correct phrase being, _Fo' shizzle mah nizzle_) and using the correct accent to do so.

101. Show him this list.


End file.
